Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Double Trouble!

Merry Christmas!!!

We are happy to announce it's TWINS!!!!!

I'm 8 weeks today and I just keep repeating to myself This Isn't Last Time... I'm scared but excited. I'm taking these two home!!!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

6 Weeks!

For those of you still following along...


I reached 6 weeks today.  I feel pretty good.  I'm no longer sick...THANK GOD!!!

I'm really fatigued.  My boobs are WICKED sore.  Still some pulling and cramping but overall I think we are doing well.

I have found some patience and now I am less than 48 hours from our first ultrasound!  I am super anxious to find out if it's one or two.

I just want to see a heartbeat.  To me that is the most important.  Regardless if there is one or two, I just need that confirmation...

Monday, December 3, 2012

Turning the corner...

I have been SO sick the last several days I am happy to announce that I am finally feeling better.  No more sore throat.  A little cough and congestion hanging around but I think I'm going to make it!

It's hard not just picking up your go to over the counter remedy and going to sleep for a couple of days.  I had to fight this one on my own.

Had a great weekend.  Went to our Fesitval of Light parade.  It was almost an hour long and it was like 50 degrees outside.  All sorts of bands and floats covered in Christmas lights!  It was a lot of fun!  Otherwise I spent the majority of the the weekend relaxing on the couch.

Back to work today and feeling pretty productive. 

I'll be 5 weeks tomorrow!  WOOHOO!!

Still have some symptoms.  Sore boobs...TIRED...hungry...TIRED...a slight cramp and a twinge here and there...did I mention TIRED??

All in all I am looking forward to our ultrasound on the 13th.  I'll feel better once I can lay my eyes on what I have going on inside of me.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Looking Good!!

Repeat blood work showed a rising beta - up to 597!  This is excellent.  Which means we are cooking for sure!!

First ultrasound on 12/13!!

Now if I can just get this HORRIBLE sore throat to go away I would be one happy momma-to-be!!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The Results Are In...

Also confirmed with a blood test at the doctor's yesterday.  Due to the blood test there may be reason to believe that both of The Stormtroopers stuck but we won't know for sure until the ultrasound in a couple of weeks.  For those that know betas the number yesterday was 279 for 9dp5dt (9 days past 5 day transfer).

Unofficial Due Date - August 6, 2013

Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers.  Keep them coming that we will have a baby (or babies) in our arms next summer.

I will continue to update after all of our appointments!

Love you all!!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


We heard wonderful news today that we managed to freeze 6 embryos!  What a relief!!  Hoping we won't need a frozen cycle anytime soon, but the relief is that we have them in reserve if we need them.  :)

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Embryo Transfer

So I got up this morning and was so nervous.  I hadn't gotten a report on my little embryos since Friday and I had no idea what was going to happen today.

We arrived at the hospital and I managed to set up some pre and post transfer acupuncture, so the girl took me back for my first treatment. 

Then Todd and I, donned in scrubs and gowns, walked down to the IVF room.  I had to guzzle some water...the want you to have a fairly full bladder.  The embryologist came in and showed us a picture of our embryos...

Todd and I pleased to introduce our embryos!

These are very good grade embryos and one of them even started hatching which is ideal.  I also found out that I could have anywhere between 2 and 7 embryos that can be frozen for a future cycle if need be.  I have to call on Tuesday and find out how many they actually froze.

When they put the embryos in it was kind of fun.  They used an ultrasound to guide the release.  You could see them being "deployed" which was awesome.  Todd made a comment that it was like something out of Star Wars...like the ships shooting their lasers...  So I am tempted to call them my little Stormtroopers.  :)  I think it's fitting.

So our blood test to see if this worked is on Tuesday the 27th.  I'm happy that I have the holiday to provide a good distraction during this short wait.  I'm only hoping for the best results.

I'm thrilled we have a back up with frozen ones if need be though...

So that brings us almost to end of this IVF journey.  I couldn't have been more pleased with my care, and my results.  I just hope the final results follow the same pattern.

Thank you to everyone who has offered love and support.  A kind word.  A message on Facebook.  Even just liking my status updates.  It helps to get my story out in the open and use all the love and support to hopefully give us the family we so greatly desire.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Fertilization Report #3

I still have 15 in culture according to the embryologist. 7 of them are 6-10 cell and are looking good (B+ or better). 4 of them are early morulas and can't be graded right now. They are pretty certain I would have a few to freeze but we will know more when the time comes.

The IVF nurse will call me later today to set up the time for transfer on Sunday.

This is all very technical, I know, but basically it means I have quite a few good ones growing and they feel I should be able to transfer two good ones and maybe have a few to freeze.  I set up an acupuncture session through the hospital and I just need to wait until everything is set up.

Happy 1st Birthday, Tobin and Miles!

One year ago today I gave birth to two of the most precious angels in heaven.  I still relive moments of that experience on a daily basis, as I don't think that it is something I can ever forget.  Losing our sons was one of the hardest life events I have ever had to experience.  I just never want them to be forgotten.  I want their memory to live on within Todd and I and within our future children.

I can only hope the timing of this IVF cycle will bring us the best of luck as our little embryos are growing on the anniversary of their brothers' birth.  I know that Tobin and Miles are looking down on those little embryos and encouraging them to grow.

I miss my boys so very much and while I still feel like it was unfair they were taken from me too soon, I know they are with us every day, bringing sunshine and hope to our family.

We love you both very much, Tobin Robert and Miles Edward.

Thank you for watching over us from heaven.

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Fertilization Report #2

I spoke to the embryologist this morning and he advised me that four more eggs fertilized, so I am up to 15 embryos growing in a lab in Denver.  He said 9 of them were very good quality.  More than likely we will be doing a Sunday 5-day transfer but he will give me a call tomorrow to confirm.  I'm so glad they are doing well!

As for me, I actually made it to work today.  Not sure how long I'll be able to make it but I had a few things to do.

Keep praying for my little embabies in Denver.  Pray they grow big and strong and I have some to freeze.  :)

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Fertilization Report #1

So Dr. Wong from Denver called at about 7:45AM.  He said out of the 21 eggs, there were 17 mature eggs and 11 of the successfully fertilized.  I can't wait until tomorrow to get another update on how our little embryos are forming!

Keep praying people!!!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012


So my retrieval was this morning. Man, what an uncomfortable day! Cramping and pressure galore! Glad the retrieval is done, that was easy because I was asleep the whole time. Relatively short procedure. Todd got a call within 25 minutes.

So the results...

21 eggs!

This is a lot! Hence the continued discomfort. I am drinking a ton if liquids and using a heating pad to try and alleviate the pressure. That and Tylenol with codeine. :)

Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers. Tomorrow we will find out how many fertilized!!

Stay tuned!!!!!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Less than 24 hours to go!

So I did my trigger last night.  My leg is sore today and I'm tired and crampy but it's all worth it.

We have to be in Aurora for no later than 7am tomorrow with our procedure being at 8:15.  It's going to take about an hour and 20 minutes to reach the medical campus.  No eating or drinking for me after midnight tonight as then do use general anesthesia for the procedure.

I can't believe it came so fast!  If I could steal a few thoughts and prayers I would be forever grateful!

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Appointment #5

Well this is my last appointment in the Colorado Springs office. The next appointment I will have will be my egg retrieval on Tuesday morning at 8:15 am. So excited! The doctor today was enthusiastic. That en more popped up that she was confident would grow I to mature follicles by then. So we are giving it one more day of medication. Yippee!!!!!!

Friday, November 9, 2012

Appointment #4

Things are moving along nicely.  The doctor measured 18 follicles between 12mm and 16mm.  She said we might actually trigger tomorrow and do retrieval Monday.  I won't know for certain until tomorrow morning's appointment.  She thinks I could get 18+ eggs out of this retrieval.  Doesn't mean they will all take but it gives me more to work with.  Waiting again for my estrogen levels and also my instructions for this evening's dose.

Exciting stuff!!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Appointment #3 - UPDATE

So I went this morning for ultrasound and bloodwork.  Dr. Murray said things were progressing nicely.  On the right, my lead follicle was 11.5 and I had a "bunch" between 10 and 11.5.  On the left, my lead follicle was 12.5, then I had 2-3 others over 10 and a few under 10. 

Waiting for my bloodwork results and medication instructions which will come this afternoon.

In making a best guess, she said retrieval would probably be on Tuesday the 13th, but we wouldn't know for sure until later this week.

UPDATE:  Spoke to Dr. Murray - E2 went up to 584 which she is pleased with.  We are knocking back my Follistim dose to 250units and adding in the Menopur and Ganirelix tonight.  I had to order some more Follistim and my trigger shot - so another $567.90 on the credit card.  Sigh...

But overall she is pleased and we are hoping everything looks great on Friday!

Monday, November 5, 2012

Appointment #2

Ultrasound and bloodwork done.  Nothing much on the ultrasound in terms of measurable follicles.  She counted 33 on the right and 12 on the left but they were all still under 10mm.  They are going to call me this afternoon and give me the results of my bloodwork.  This number will show that my body is responding to the medication.

I'm having some pretty crummy side effects.  My stomach is shredded.  It hurts and is not happy.  I do get a slight headache after my injection.  No pain from the injection or bruising.  I'm an old pro with needles.  Cramping and bloating too.  And some fatigue.  No raging hormones yet, but they could be right around the corner!!!

Back on Wednesday for another scan.  I look forward to seeing some progress!!

Sunday, November 4, 2012


So I have done two days of shots already.  Not feeling much in terms of side effects which is good.  I go back tomorrow morning for a ultrasound and some bloodwork.  Good thing I checked my calendar as I thought my appointment was at 10:30 and it's actually 10:15! 

Nothing going on for today.  We need to do some grocery shopping and some cleaning at home.  Todd will want to watch footbal...what a shock!  :)

Hope everyone is have a fantastic weekend!!  :)

Friday, November 2, 2012


Spoke to my RE a little while ago. Since my estrogen level was low (47) and even though my period has not shown up, she told me to go ahead and start the medication tonight!!!

Holy crap!!!!!!!!!!!

Appt #1

So I went for bloodwork and an ultrasound today...which reminds me to take the tape off of my arm...LOL

Everything looks good to start my injections tonight.  I'm just kind of waiting for my period to make even the slightest appearance.  I have a feeling it will be today, but if for some reason it's not then I will have to start injections tomorrow.  No big deal. 

I go back on Monday morning to see how everything is looking.


Tuesday, October 30, 2012


I am completely flabbergasted that some people can be so heartless and so selfish.  There is one person in my life that could make a huge difference in our journey to have a family and he is opting to not be part of our lives.  Well, that's fine.  We will still go on and have children.  Beautiful, happy children that will never know this person.  Never know the pain they have caused their mommy's heart.  I don't need this person's assistance and no matter what happens we will do this on our own, with our friends and family who love and care for us and are hoping that we get the family we so deserve.

Thank you to everyone who gives their love and support to us on a daily basis.  Without you this journey would be much more difficult than it already is.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Great appointment yesterday!

So I went yesterday for my baseline/suppresion check.  Everything looks great!  They rechecked may antral follicle count - which was previously 36...it's now 66!  I could be a great responder!  I can only hope that no matter how many they get there are a lot of mature eggs and they fertilize!

Also did my injection class (most of which I knew, but there are a couple new meds so I am glad I did it).  Jodi, the IVF nurse, was very helpful.  We signed all of our consent forms and made payment for all of the madness!

It's go time!  I stop my BCP on Monday evening.  Then I should get a period.  My next appointment is 11/2 at 8am and I start my Follistim that evening.  That's only one week from today!!!  I can't believe this is happening so fast but I am hoping for a wonderful Christmas miracle.
Keep praying and keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.  You all know how much this woud mean to us to have our dreams come true!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Special Delivery!

Well it all came!  I thought it would look worse because I have seen some crazy IVF med deliveries.  But since I am not on a Lupron protocol it's not as bad so I'm not horribly intimidated...

Monday, October 22, 2012

3 more days

Well it's only 3 more days until we head back to Dr. Murray's office to sign all of our forms, make our huge payment and do a suppression check I believe.  This is just to make sure the weeks of birth control pills actually put my ovaries to sleep so when we start the injections they will be all like...

I can only hope that this works the first time.  The cost is just astronomical. 
So the hope is that everything looks fine and I can stop the birth control a couple days later and then start my injections on 11/2.  My medication should be arriving tomorrow so there will be a picture of all of that after I get it unpacked and sorted out.  Not even sure when I am taking all of the miscellaneous medication but they will let me know!  :)

Monday, October 15, 2012

October 15th

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. 

I am having my Mom light a candle at 7pm in memory of Tobin & Miles since I will be at bowling.  (Yes, I bowl on a league with Todd.)

I would encourage all of you to light a candle for all those babies lost and to let the light shine for as long as possible.

That's about it.

I got my medication ordered today and I will receive it on 10/23.  I'll make sure I take a nice picture of everything and post it so you can see what I'm about to subject myself to.  What I am receiving is not everything.  I may have to order more medication depending on how the cycle turns out.  But this will get me started!

Friday, October 12, 2012

A Slight Relief!

So I called the pharmacy today to get final pricing on my medication and to put in the order...it is going to be less than I thought...here is how it breaks down...

Ganirelix - 4 vials - $103.50 per vial = $414.00 plus $100 coupon given to me by Jodi = $314.00
Follistim - 300IU cartridge $254.00 and (2) 600IU cartridges $508.00 each = $1,016.00 plus $300 coupon given to me by Jodi = $716.00
Menopur - 4 vials - $78.00 per vial plus $10 program enrollment fee or additional discount $322.00
It will be either Pregnyl for a trigger $59.90 or a Lupron compund $178.00 depending on if I am at risk for OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome).  I will order that last minute.
Endometrin - 28 "tablets" (this is my progesterone) - $74.43 with insurance
Medrol - 4 tablets - $6.00 with insurance
Vivelle - 4 patches (this is estrogen) - $10.71 with insurance
Doxycycline - #8 - $1.57 with insurance
Valium - #2 - $0.44 with insurance
Tylenol with Codeine - #10 - $2.28 with insurance

I may need more medication depending on how my cycle plays out...but it looks like right now cost of medication will be under $2,000 which is less than what I thought it would be!!! 

Still have to get ready to give them $10,262 on October 25th though...YIKES!!

I'm giving you all the numbers of what it costs us so you will all know how unfair it is for women to struggle with fertility and then get penalized by their insurance and have to pay out of pocket in order to have a family they so desperately want...it's no fair at all and it's us who have to pay the price...

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Last appointment before beginning...

So I had one more blood draw today - to check my thyroid...so hopefully no more bruised arms to speak of...

Trial transfer went great - everything looks wonderful.  My case was approved by the IVF committee at the university so I have the green light.  I'm so thrilled.  So far all the labs have come back good, so hopefully nothing will pop up unexpectedly.

Now I am pricing out my meds.  My IVF coordinator has a few coupons which will save me about $400.  I'm thinking I should be able to pay less than $2,500 for all my meds.  Which is a HUGE relief.  I was anticipating it being much more.

So for now I am keeping up with my weight loss goals and my acupuncture, and I go back in 3 weeks for my baseline and to sign all the consent forms which Todd and I have to go over.  (What do we do if we have frozen embryos and one of us dies, or both of us die, or we get divorced...do we dispose, donate science, etc...)

Lots of things to do to get ready but now most of them are done.  Pretty soon it's just going to be a lot of needles...  I'm scared and excited at the same time.

Thanks for all of the thoughts.  Support is so important through this process and I think we have a wonderful support system.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Bloodwork is DONE!

So I had to go to a seperate lab today to complete the rest of my  mandatory bloodwork.  I needed my A1C drawn and had to go to an outside lab.  Todd was off to my doctor today to give his blood for his necessary bloodwork.

Tomorrow I will be at the doctor's office to do a fluid contrast ultrasound and a trial transfer which is basically like doing the real thing but with no embryos.  This procedure won't be done in the office when the time comes.  Everything is done over an hour away at the University of Colorado hospital in Aurora.  That's the only bummer, but it's a small distance to go for a baby.  We've gone this far what's a little drive in the car!!

Friday, September 28, 2012

IVF Appointment #1

So my appointment yesterday went well.  We did an ultrasound to get an antral follicle count.  This is basically resting follicles.  I had 36.  This does not mean I will have 36 eggs, it just means that potentially I could.  They obviously don't want that many.

Next appointment is a pap smear, fluid contrast ultrasound and trial transfer.  That's on October 4th.

I also met with Jodi, the IVF coordinator.  We went over a tentative calendar.  Well it's not really tentative.  I started birth control ast night.  I'm on an antagonist protocol (whatever that means) and I am to take birth control until 10/29.  On 10/25 Todd and I go in and I do my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork and do our injection class - with is standard protocol even though I have been stabbing myself with needles for a long time.  Then on 11/2 I start the medication.  Estimating egg retreival (ER) and egg transfer (ET) to be around the week of November 11th.  This is the week that also have Tobin and Miles one year angel-versary.  I hope that means something.

So we are off to the races.  Or for right now we are taking birth control and waiting until next week.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Wow...that happened FAST!

So today is CD1.  That means no pre-IVF miracle baby.  (See...relax and it will happen DOESN'T WORK!!)

I have been seeing my acupuncturist for about 4 weeks now and I love it - it makes me feel good and relaxed.

I called my RE's office today to find out how we start this.  I hit the goal weight I needed to make the phone call to the office and I spoke with Jodi, who is the IVF Coordinator.  She said to come in tomorrow for an antral follicle count ultrasound (this counts the amount of resting follicles prior to stimulating them) and a pap smear.  Okay no big deal.

Then she starts talking about next week setting up a fluid contrast ultrasound.  This is basically to check the uterus to make sure there are no polyps or anything like that.  Then she said we could do the trial transfer at the same time.  This is where they basically set you up as if they were implanting embryos to make sure they have a handle on how it's going to be done.  We are also going to do a TON of bloodwork.

Then she mentioned starting birth control pills this cycle and looking at egg retreival and setting up a calendar for a November IVF cycle...


I was shocked!  She informed me that December is hard to do because the lab closes for two weeks Christmas to New Year and we should do it in November just to be on the safe side.  This way the lab isn't rushed. 

I can't believe it!  I could very well be pregnant by Christmas!!!  What a gift that would be.

So I'm going to be greedy and ask for all your thoughts and prayers that this works the first time around and that we are blessed enough to have some embryos left to be frozen.

We are very excited and anxious and hopeful that this works and we can finally have our take home baby.

I will post all the details here so follow along all you folks at home and see a miracle in the making!!

Monday, September 24, 2012

Update! (All good!)

So I have been at this crazy diet for a couple of weeks now - while I miss my dairy and my breads and potatoes it's really not all that bad!  And with the results I am seeing I truly cannot complain!  IN less than a month I have lost 20 pounds.  I have been to see my acupuncturist three times and my forth appointment id coming up this Thursday.  Technically I am pretty much at the point where I could call my doctor, but I plan on waiting another month for maximum weight loss.  I think my doctor will be shocked at how serious I took this.

Todd and I have had sevral conversations about the procedure and what we are going to do.  I think we have everything in order as to how this is going to work out.  We just need the time to get here!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Diet - yet another journey

So after meeting with the acupuncturist last week I am trying a new diet per her recommendation.  It's basically the Alkaline Diet - eating less acidic foods and I am also cutting out dairy for right now.  I went grocery shopping today and instead of buying things in boxes and jars and bags, I bought a lot of stuff that was fresh.  I bought kale and made crispy kale chips in the oven, and I made guacamole from scratch, filled with all fresh foods.  So it may cost more to buy groceries, but I know it's healthier for me.

I can still eat a lot of what I ate before - I just eat it differently.  For example - having burgers tonight.  93% lean ground beef on a grain roll with no cheese.  I might actually put some of that guacamole on the burger.  Much healthier than what I used to eat.  I'll pair it was a nice fresh salad with all fresh produce and I'll be happy.  :)

After going grocery shopping I know I can do this.  :)  I'm actually excited about changing my eating habits!  (Talk to me again in a week...LOL)

Thursday, September 6, 2012


This afternoon I am meeting with a fertility acupuncturist.  A friend of mine works for the office and got me a free two hour consultation.  Apparently she has great success rates but I am curious to see how it all works, and if it could work for me.  It's about an hour away so it's not the most convenient place, but if I went once a week and add in the gas costs, it's still cheaper than my IUIs would be every month.  I'm anxious to hear what she has to say.

I'll update after to let you all know what it's all about.  :)

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Finally Updating

Well my period has come and gone and another cycle ended up with no miracles.

Todd and I sat down and had a discussion with my fertility specialist, Dr. Murray.  We are tired of throwing money at IUI and having no positive results.

Because we were both in agreement that we were frustrated we decided to move onto in vitro fertilization, or IVF.  This was not an easy decision to make.  We aren't fortunate enough to have any insurance coverage for these treatments.  Our IUI cycles could cost us up to $3,000 a month!  I don't want to throw anymore money at it, and neither does Todd.

So here is the plan...

I have to lose 25 pounds.  I am not sure how long that will take especially with my PCOS, which makes it harder to lose the weight.  As soon as I am down that much I can contact Dr. Murray to start the preliminary testing.  There are some ultrasounds and I'll need to be on birth control and there is some blood work to be done as well.  Then once that cycle is over and I get a period then I can start stimulating follicle growth.  Because I have PCOS I should have a good chance of producing over 15 eggs.  Once they feel I have enough I will go in for surgery where they will remove all the eggs.  Then they will mix Todd's sperm in with the eggs and hope for fertilization.  Depending on how they look they will transfer back two eggs and freeze whatever are left.  Then we would wait until we could test to see if one or both implanted.

The whole process will cost us about $15,000.  That's for one shot.  I never thought we would be here since the boys were conceived on an IUI cycle, but four IUI cycles and two natural cycles later and still nothing.  It's heart breaking.  I am taking some time to just work on myself and get healthy and save up money if we can.  We would love to do this by the end of the year, but we will have to see. 

I wanted everyone to know what road we were taking because it's not an easy road to choose.  Todd and I are not ready to give up.  We still want our child.  And if this is the road we have to take then so be it.

By taking this method of conception our chances of conceiving increase from 18% with IUI to 48% with IVF resulting in a live birth.  To us that is worth the $15,000.

I'll be in touch letting you know how we are doing.  I'm just hoping the weight loss is easy and we can move forward quickly.

Monday, August 27, 2012


So I am 99.9% sure we are out this month.  Devastating results yet again.  I had a good cry on Saturday morning and then proceeded to take some cold meds because I have a serious head cold.  I can only hope we get our rainbow soon.

So here is the plan moving forward.

This next cycle I will have my tubes checked again.  This cycle will be unmedicated but I will monitor on my own to see if I ovulate on my own which I have done a couple times in the past.

I am also working on losing 40 pounds.  This is not just for my own health but in preparation for the worst.

After this unmedicated cycle the plan is to do two more IUI cycles and if still no success we will move on to IVF.

IVF requires me to lose that 40 pounds in addition we must also save up $14,000 to cover the meds and the procedure.  As of right now I have no idea how we are going to afford it which keeps us from knowing when we will be able to move forward in out journey.

Sad to think that losing 40 pounds would be the easy part!

I am hoping and praying that over the next few months we find our miracle and to have this come to us "naturally" but I have to accept what the next steps may bring and be prepared for whatever it is going to take to get us our own child.

If I am lucky enough to lose the weight over the next 4-6 months.  And if we have a miraculous windfall, maybe, just maybe we could do IVF in the Spring of 2013.  That would be the best case scenario.

Please keep us in your thoughts...this road gets harder every day that passes and my entire family has suffered the loss of the twins.  I can only hope we can find the child we so deserve.

I appreciate al the prayers and love you give everyday and I couldn't have asked for a better support system.

Monday, August 20, 2012


Well it's been one week since the IUI.  They definitely saw the follie in a state of ovulation.  So I am still in a holding pattern...I hate this part of the process.  I really do.

I have so much hope for this cycle, I can only hope that all the thoughts and prayers will bring us a rainbow.

This Wednesday, August 22nd will mark the one year anniversary of the most surreal day of my life.  It was the day that I took a home pregnancy test and got two beautiful lines.

It was the most amazing feeling in the world to know that through all of our struggle we finally achieved our dream!!  I can't even put into words how it felt that day just knowing that our lives would change forever.

I'll go ahead and share what we saw on our 4th anniversary last September 8th.  We thought it would be the perfect idea to get our first ultrasound on our anniversary.  How memorable!!!

Then all of a sudden there they were.  Two perfect and identical miracles.  :)  God I miss them so much...

There were a lot of memorable things last year that are so hard to believe because I don't have my babies in my arms...

Miss you Tobin and Miles!  So much!!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Progress...I hope...

So I went today and the doctor measured a 15mm follicle on the left - no other growth.  My E2 was at 148 - not that high...not as high as I would like to see it.  IUI is set for Monday morning and I am concerned that I will have a viable follicle.  I am asking for an ultrasound prior to the IUI to make sure.
I hope this works!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

In process

Phew!  Sorry it's been over a week!

It's been busy at our house.  Cleaning and we are doing something in town called the Parade of Homes.  This lets us visit new construction homes that the builders have declared their best.  You pay $10 and get access to all 24 homes.  It's lots of fun.

Also work has been picking up.  I have been writing business and finally wrapping up that huge account I have been working on.

Things are moving slowly this month on the TTC front.  Just starting to respond to the meds.  Hopefully not much longer until we are able to do IUI.  Probably next week.

Saturday, July 28, 2012


So AF showed her ugly face early this morning (just after midnight)>

I have ordered the refill on my Clomid and I will get in for an appointment on Monday for my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork.

I plan on asking my RE for yet another HSG test.  For those unfamiliar it's basically a dye test where they inject dye into the uterus while you are under an x-ray and they check to see if the tubes are open.  This will be my 4th (5th if you count the one I had while having surgery),  I just want to make sure they are still open since I had a blockage previously.  Hopefully I can get that done at the end of this coming week or beginning of the next.

Let's get this show on the road!!!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Updates are overdue!

So things are going well at home.  Mom is doing her best to settle in.  It's hard moving in to someone else's home and trying to feel comfortable.  It's going to take some time, but I know we will all get there.

The pets have been kind of boring.  Josie comes down on occasion.  I rarely see Zoey.  Spike hangs out downstairs all the time and Willow stays mostly upstairs.

Jack was sick this past week with a upper respiratory infection and some gooky eyes.  Have him on oral antibiotics and eye drops.  Well now that he is feeling better we had to give up on the eye drops.  He fights us when we try and put them in.  So we are hoping the oral meds will take care of what is left.

Otherwise everything is good.  Our state of Colorado has been through a lot with wildfires and this horrible shooting.  It's been rough but thankfully none of it has touched us personally, but it's hard to live in a state where these kind of things happened.  Though with this last incident it could have happened anywhere.

On the TTC front - 9dpo.  Exepcting AF to arrive Friday sometime.  Not going to test, I'm just going to wait it out.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Save the Date! October 15th


Everyone worldwide is invited to join our October 15th, pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day event to light a candle at 7pm your time zone for all families and friends affected by Pregnancy or Infant Loss. Please go to the link below and invite all of your friends and families. Much love and hugs to everyone.


This is obviously something I hoold very dear to my heart.  If everyone who reads this could light two candles for Tobin and Miles at 7:00pm in their own time zone on October 15th this will keep their memory alive in your hearts.  It doesn't matter if they are Yankee Candles or birthday candles.  It's important for all of the babies up in heaven to be remembered.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Time for an update!!

Mom has been here for about a week now.  Her stuff arrived on Thursday night when Todd and Monica finished the long ride across the country.  My loving husband drove the entire time!  So many people have been calling him a "saint" for letting his mother-in-law move in with him.  It's so not like that though.  Todd loves my mom and is happy to have her here.

Now, my mom's car is still in Connecticut but hopefully not for too much longer.  The original plan was to tow the vehicle behind the rental truck, but Mom's little Honda would have scraped the bottom trying to get up there.  So we set up transport with a shipper.  Well their driver flaked out and went AWOL, so we had to get set up with another driver.  They are supposed to pick up the car today and it should be here in 3-5 days...hopefully.

As far as the animals.  Spike is the only cat that is wandering around the house freely.  Willow has spent quite a bit of time in our room.  Mom's cats haven't ventured out much and have yet to encounter Jack face to face.  Everyone is eating and drinking and going potty.  I think it's just going to take some time.  I don't think they will get along, but it appears as though they can tolerate each other for the time being.

On the TTC front...according to the fertility monitor I O'd on my own again.  CD22 I think.  Not holding out any hope, but it's nice to know that my body did something it was supposed to!

That's all for now!  :)

I'll leave you with some pictures...

 Josie right at home

 Zoey chillaxin'

 Welcome MOM!!!

 Josie ventures downstairs

 Zoey's maiden voyage

 Willow not impressed with Josie on her bed
 Spike, as if nothing has changed

Monday, July 9, 2012

In Other News...

So nothing going on with TTC right now.  Todd is back in Connecticut getting my mom ready to head out.

I cannot believe that tomorrow is the day.  24 hours from now I will be on my way to the airport to pick her up so she can live with us forever!  It's a pretty crazy feeling for all of us but we couldn't be happier.  :)

Todd is going to have a hell of a ride from Connecticut to Colorado, but I know he'll make it.  He promised me he would come back to me.

So here begins another journey in our lives.  You might see me write more about dealing with four cats and a dog for a little while.  Should be entertaining.

I hope to get back on the TTC wagon shortly.  I'm on CD15 now and no ovulation yet on my own.  Not expecting it, but it would be a nice surprise.  Hope to be back on the wagon in a few weeks and I can only hope that this will work out soon.

Hope everyone is well!!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

It's been a while...

So I have been back in Colorado for a week now.  A week from today Mom will be starting her new adventure in Colorado.  It will be interesting to see how all the pets interact with each other but it will all work out fine I'm sure.

As most of you have heard, Colorado Springs was victim to a horrible wildfire over the last week and half.  The firefighters are finally starting to get control of it, but not until after 347 homes were lost and two people were killed in Tuesday, June 26th's firestorm.

The city is rallying together to take care of it's own and in a city of over 400,000 people you still get that small town feel when you drive through the city.  People are lining up with signs applauding our firefighters during shift change.  It's been amazing to see.

Most of the evacuees are back in their home except for those with no homes to return to.  The Waldo Canyon fire is currently 70% contained and has burned almost 18,000 acres.

I can still smell the acrid stench of fire when I get to work.

So glad we are on the other side of the city and were unaffected by the fire and the evacuations, though our hearts go out to those affected.

Some pictures of the events...

On the TTC front, we are taking this month off.  Todd will be traveling during our fertile time out to Connecticut to get my mom packed up and then he is driving her belongings and vehicle to our house.  So it's probably best with everything going on that we sit out this month and move foward in a few weeks when everything has settled down.

Hope everyone is well!

Monday, June 25, 2012


Just a quick post from my phone. Still in CT. My period showed unexpectedly. Why does this keep happening? I need a drink...mom is just going to have to come with me.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Happy Father's Day, Todd


People don't always see the tears a dad cries,
His heart is broken too when his child dies.
He tries to hold it together and be strong,
Even though his world's gone wrong.

He holds his wife as her tears fall,
Comforts her through it all,
He goes through his day doing what he's supposed to do,
But a piece of his heart has been ripped away too.

So when he's alone he lets out his pain,
And his tears come like falling rain,
His world has crashed in around him,
And a world that was once bright has gone dim.

He feels he has to be strong for others,
But Dads hurt too, not just the Mothers,
He searches for answers but none are to be found,
He hides behind a mask when he is feeling down.

He smiles through his tears,
He struggles and holds in his fears,
But what you see on the outside is not always real,
Men don't always show how they really feel.

So I'd like to ask a favor of you,
The next time you see a mother hurting
over the loss of her child,
please remember.....a Dad hurts too.

Happy Father's Day from Tobin, Miles, Jack, Spike and Willow.  Thank you for being the best father anyone could ever ask for.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Off to the races!

So yesterday's appointment went really well.  Though my RE had to have the "talk" with me again about the risk of multiples.  We have three follicles.  A 19mm, 18mm and a 16mm.  All viable sizes and most likely will all produce a mature egg.  So our IUI is scheduled for tomorrow morning.  Then all we can do is wait.

As always prayers are appreciated.  It's so hard to go through this month after month and add in the hormones and it's a nightmare.

Hoping for a miracle and a rainbow.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Wonderful Weekend!

Had a great time with friends and their boys on Saturday.  Didn't end up getting to the movies but after all the time we spent outside, we were too wiped to do anything!

Yesterday went to the mall to have some jewelry cleaned.  Then just hung out.  Though we both got on the treadmill last night so it wasn't a total waste. 

Back to the RE today to check on my progess.  Then I have a mani/pedi scheduled for this afternoon.  So excited to get some pampering in.  :)

Then a week from tomorrow I will be in Connecticut helping my Mom pack up and get ready for her retirement voyage across the country.  Though all she needs to do is take a plane.  Todd will take care of getting her stuff out here. 

This is why I love my husband.  he knows how hard it was for me to leave my family when we moved to Colorado, so when we talked about my Mom moving out here he was the one who offered her to stay with us.  And he offered to drive her stuff here.  He knows what it means to me to have her close by and has been so supportive. 

Friday, June 8, 2012


It's been a week since my last post.  What an exciting time it has been!!!

My mom sold her house in just seven days!  She is retiring as of 6/14 and will be making the journey out to Colorado to live with us.  She is very excited to be starting a new chapter in her life and hope that her wonderful luck will rub off on us!!

She actually had a little bidding war going on and sold her house for the full asking price.  That NEVER happens!!!  So I am proud of her and I hope her closing goes off without a hitch.

She had her inspection on Wednesday so we are hoping that everything is fine and she can start to book her moving arrangements.

I am flying out to Connecticut to help her get ready and get packed up on the 19th of this month.  I will be back on the 26th and while I am there I will see a few people but for the most part this is about getting my mom organized and packed up and ready to go.

Right now her tentative move date is July 10th and we couldn't be more excited to have her.

On the TTC front, went to the RE today - only after 2 days of injections and I have one 11mm and several under 10mm.  This is pretty normal for me at this time.  I go back on Monday and I hope to have a few showing some promise.  IUI should be before the end of the week.

Also going for a mani/pedi on Monday afternoon.  I have a Groupon from last year and it's calling my name!!!

This weekend we are having some friends over for a cookout and might go see Snow White and the Huntsman.  It looks good, just not sure if Kristen Stewart has learned how to act or not...LOL!!!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Green means GO!

On the TTC front...CD2 here today.  Baseline looks clear.  My doctor's office was kind enough to change some medications and also give me some Clomid so I don't have to pay for that.  It's only $30 but every little bit helps.  Maybe the donated Clomid will bring me luck from it's previous owner. 

Usually when someone gets pregnant they will donate unused meds to the office for people like me.  So it's always appreciated.

I go back on June 8th for a peek.  :)

Monday, May 28, 2012

Memorial Day!

So it appears as though today I will be partaking in a lovely alcoholic beverage in honor of our military.

Looks like we are moving on to yet another cycle

We are staying positive as always and we know our time will come. In the mean time I'll drink rum.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The waiting game...

So I usually am a pretty patient person, but today I am 8DPO and it's killing me not knowing.  My progesterone is giving me a ton of symptoms (I think) but I can't take any of them as real.  It's kind of cruel really to be taking these progesterone supplements that have side effects that are JUST like pregnancy symptoms...completely unfair!

Still working on that large account.  Getting closer to making the sale, just need to get there!

It's going to be 90 degrees here in Colorado Springs today.  Insanely hot!!!

Back to my air conditioned office to keep cool.  Have a lovely day!

Friday, May 18, 2012

Busy Week!

Working on an enormous account at work.  Like monumental.  I can only hope that I get it.  I am about 95% sure that I will at this point and it would be amazing if I did.

That has been helping me keep busy and preoccupied.  That and talking with my Mom about her upcoming retirement and her plans to sell her house and move out to Colorado with us.  Todd and I are so excited to have her out here with us.  We hope her house sells fast and she is out here before the holidays!

On the TTC part - 4DPO (days past ovulation).  Taking the wait one day at a time.  Not feeling anything yet since it's early and trying not to feel anything one way or the other.  I don't want to sit here and think I'm pregnant but I don't want to sit here and think I'm not.  So I try to think about other things instead.  :)

Have a lovely weekend all!

Monday, May 14, 2012

The Big Day...Again...

Well today is our IUI.  I have anywhere from 2-5 eggs being released.  As of right now I have not ovulated so I think our timing is going to be stellar.  I will update after the procedure which isn't for several more hours.


We figure about 127 million swimmers went back today.  I have been having a lot of cramping so I believe I am ovulating now so I am hoping that the troops were ready for battle!!

And now...

...we wait...

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day!

To my mother, I love you more.  Thank you for being there for me even when you are far away.  Thankfully the gap between us will be shrinking significantly in the coming months.

Today was not meant to be an easy day.  It has been hard to go through several Mother's Days without having a child.  This Mother's Day was so different.  In the last year I acheived pregnancy and experienced loss.  I became a mother on November 16, 2011 when I gave birth to my precious angels, Tobin Robert and Miles Edward.  My life changed drastically and my voice became louder.

I am a mother.  Though I walk down the street empty handed and with tears staining my cheeks, my heart holds so much love for my two sons.  And that love shows without a doubt that I am a mother.

So thank you to all of you who have recognized the fact that while I have no living children, I am a mother all the same.

Happy Mother's Day to all of my friends, and all of those mommies that are still waiting for their rainbows.  May 2012 bring us everything we have ever dreamed of.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Almost there!

So today's appointment went really well.  Looks like our IUI will be scheduled for Monday afternoon.  then it's just killing time for a couple weeks to see if it worked or not.

I got a message from a friend I have on BabyCenter.  If you don't know what BabyCenter is - it is a website for people in all stages of the parenthood journey.  From trying to conceive, to struggling with infertility, to pregnant, to motherhood.  Here is what she wrote...

On behalf of Miles and Tobin... Happy Mother's Day! You are one of the strongest women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing (even if only through BBC). You are an inspiration to many and you are a wonderful Mommy. Your love for your boys is easily seen. You and Todd are wonderful parents and some lucky little baby is going to hit the jackpot when he/she takes up residence in that gorgeous uterus of yours! Best of luck to you both! XOXO

Thanks Mandy.  :)

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

The Journey - I'm Still Standing

This past Saturday a new online magazine was launched called Still Standing.  It is a magazine that focuses on women who have not only struggled with infant loss, but also with infertility.

It's been almost 6 months since I lost Tobin and Miles too soon.  Every day that goes by I am surrounded with reminders of their absence in my life.  I have my bracelet that I had made in their memory.  I have a necklace that a wonderful group of women got for me after our loss.  I have the bedroom that should be home to my two little boys.  I pass by it every day, several times a day, and I look in and it's filled with boxes.  It is nothing but storage when it should be filled with love and cries.

Through all of the grieving and pain, I know that I have to stay positive.  I have to push forward.  I have to continue to live my life.

Struggling with infertility is one of the hardest things I had ever encountered until I lost my boys.  The fact that I lost my children is definitely the worst.  But then I have to add infertility on top of my grief, and at times it can be unbearable!

I have recently started up my fertility treatments again and we are hoping to be blessed with another miracle.

We have mostly likely decided that once we are given one child to take home and love, we probably won't pursue fertility treatments to have a second child.  It's too much and I know that after everything we have been through that just having one baby to snuggle and raise and watch grow up will be enough to heal our hearts.

So while every day is a challenge, I get up out of bed and get on with my day.  I look at every doctor appointment like a warrior.  Every needle is a sword.  I am fighting this battle of infertility with every fiber of my being!  In the end I want to say that I fought until I was victorious!

I know that with the support of family and friends I will get there.  And with the watchful eyes of Tobin and Miles from above, they will make sure that Mommy and Daddy have their baby.  They know we will make wonderful parents, just as we know they are perfect angels.

Mommy and Daddy love you boys so much!

Working through everything

Another appointment today and everything is progressing as it should.  Looks like I might have 3 possible eggs this cycle but they need to grow a tad more.

Trying to prepare myself for the mental strength I will need this coming Sunday.  I have a feeling I will be staying away from email and social media.  No need to be reminded that it's Mother's Day.

Though I am grateful I can say that this is the first time I can call myself a mother, unfortunately I have no living children to show for it.  I can't walk down the street with my boys on Sunday and have everyone know I'm a Mommy.  I just know it in my heart and that will have to be enough.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Plugging along!

Went this morning for bloodwork and ultrasound.  I have 3-4 on the right that are around 10mm and one on the left that looks to be around 9mm.  I keep on my medication and go back on Wednesday for another look.

Hoping for success this time around, but I know the reality is it will happen when it will happen.  The downfall is we have about one more cycle in us and then we have to take a break and pay off some of this infertility debt.  It costs somewhere around $1,500 a cycle for us and $1,100-1,200 is in medication alone.  So it puts a strain on us.  But it is reality of what a lot of women face who have no insurance coverage for any of this.

Other than that it's rainy here in Colorado.  Hoping to have our grass start to come back and get greener.

Happy Monday everyone!

Friday, May 4, 2012


What a week!

Yesterday especially.  We finally got our sprinkler system fixed at the house.  There was a leak on the outside so we haven't been able to run our sprinklers to water the lawn.  Well we finally got it fixed so now we can hopefully get our green lawn back.

Then we had new floors installed in our living room.  We removed the carpet and put down a beautiful laminate floor.  It looks amazing!  Now Jack is the happiest puppy ever!  As you can see from the video above.

I'm just finishing up my Clomid which is a pill, and then on to my Follistim which is an injection.  I go back on Monday morning to see what everything looks like though I don't expect to see much of anything.

This weekend is Cinco de Mayo.  We are going to a Colorado Springs Sky Sox game.  I got tickets for $5 a piece so it should be fun.  Then instead of trying to get Mexican food out we are doing nachos and quesadillas at home.  Much better than fighting the crowds and trying to get in a restaurant.

Hope you all have a nice weekend.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

May 2, 2012

Well I made it.

I made it to my 40 week due date and lived to tell the tale.  My heart is twisted in knots.  Though I don't cry.  There is nothing I can do to change what happened.  No way to go back and do things differently.

All I can do is look to the future.  Try, try again and fight for what I want the most in the world.  A child that I can love and nurture and watch grow into an amazing man or woman.

Of course I will never forget Tobin Robert and Miles Edward.  They will always be my angels and the guardians of our family.  They will always be perfect and they will always be in our hearts and the hearts of those who loved them.

I am proud of the fact that I had them.  Not everyone gets to say they are the mother of angels.  I get to say my identical twin boys were born to be angels.  For that I am proud of what they can do and who they have become.

Mommy loves you, Tobin and Miles.  Daddy does too.  So does Aunt Sissy, Uncle TK, Uncle Scott and Uncle Scotty.  Grandma P & S. Grandpa B & D. And Grandma C.  So does Aunt Em and Uncle Wayne.

Thank you all of your support during all of our struggles.  We could not have gotten to this point without you.  We love you all.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Moving on

At the doctor's this morning to get bloodwork and an ultrasound to start this next cycle. I already have my Clomid so I can start that tonight. I just have to order the Follistim and my trigger.
Feeling better about this cycle. Not sure why. I try to feel good about every cycle!!
I have a feeling my IUI will be close to Mother's Day. I hope that means something!
Thank you all for your love and support.
We appreciate it.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Not this time...

It looks like this cycle is coming to a close.  Two home tests came up negative so I'm going to stop the progesterone and move on to the next round.  Thankfully the whole process should start again soon.

It's important to stay positive about things though.  Todd and I talked this morning and it's okay that it didn't work this time, but it will work and we just have to keep trying.

Thanks for all the love and support this time around, let's hope for better results next time!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Don't ignore...

Don’t ignore my struggle with infertility and loss…

April 22nd to the 28th is National Infertility Awareness Week. 

I am going to share a message I got from a girl on BabyCenter whom I have never met but just recently got to know.  I shared with her my story of struggle and loss.  She recently found out she is pregnant and it might be twins.  She wanted to know more of my loss.  I shared with her my experience and my low moments and the feeling I have inside that keeps me positive and strong for others in my position.

Dearest Karen,
I am speechless with emotion. Your strength is like none other than I've ever encountered. Honestly, I have no clue how I would even begin to survive after endeavoring what you did.
I am deeply sorry if I pried into your personal business, but I respect and admire your honesty with me. You are a survivor , sweetheart. And the fact that you already know that you have two special little angels that will be watching over you, brings a wiseness beyond years. You are so right Karen, they WILL see that you have a happy and healthy pregnancy. You are already a Mommy, you already know the love involved and on a deeper level than ever now and deeper than most people will ever know. Life is so very precious. And we are all so very fragile, as you know this all too well.
You and your DH are so strong to go through this being so far away from family. That must have been terribly hard to make those decisions, and I pray for healing in your heart for that.
I wanted to tell you that I am going to start an anonymous prayer circle for you in my family and church for strength, guidance, Peace, and Hope. We always pass prayers for those in need along to each other and I believe that having prayer all over the world only makes your call louder to His ears.
If you are testing on Tuesday I am SOOO stalking the thread! I will be up early anyhow so I will be waiting to hear from you, about if you get your BFP. Yes I would agree that you should know by then. But as we know, it’s not over until AF shows her ugly face.
If you get that BFN, have that cold beer, maybe two. You deserve to be able to un-wind. But I am KMFX that you won’t be able to order that beer! ;O)
I am here for you....as a woman, as a friend, as a "someone to vent to" . I know we don’t really know each other well but we have shared our most personal stories with each other and you have shared a story with me that has given me a strength beyond words.
Your DH must be so proud of you. :o)
Forgive the novel I wrote you! It’s just that my heart really feels for you. Not in a self pity way, in a yearning for your wishes way. I want to hear and read your success story all the way to the pictures of you holding your DS or DD in your arms.
Keep up that spirit that you have. Your boys will see you through this. I truly believe that.
Until our next conversation, God Bless you Karen.

It helps to know that I can reach people with my story and my boys have touched people’s lives and always will.
The fact of the matter is I have a disease.  Many women out there have it.  Many of them have conquered it will the help of medical science.  Just as I am trying to do.  But it’s not an easy road.  It’s full of so many emotions…hope, fear, strength, defeat, caution, depression, happiness, sadness, grief, pity, and so many more I can’t even think that I myself have experienced. 
The problem is that insurance companies don’t see it as a medical necessity to cover treatments for infertility.  Todd and I have paid every penny of our 3+ year journey out of our own pockets.  The government is trying to focus on mandatory coverage for birth control…well what about us women who want kids so bad it hurts and we can’t have them.  You are perfectly fine with helping women not have children, but won’t help those of us that do.
I used to live in Connecticut, where infertility coverage was mandatory.  But there were even loopholes to that.  If the company you worked for was a large corporation and could afford to self-fund their insurance, they didn’t have to offer coverage.  Most small businesses have to have it, but they may only provide a lifetime benefit of $10,000.  Not even enough for one round of In Vitro.  Todd and I both worked for corporations that offered no coverage.  Here in Colorado we have nothing.  So it’s not different really than living in Connecticut.  Thankfully the out-of-pocket expenses are less out here.
So just know that there are millions of women out there struggling to start a family and many of them will not have kids because they cannot afford the advanced care they need to conceive.  How is it fair that these women aren’t allowed to be mothers, and there are men out their not allowed to be father as well.
Keep that in mind tonight when you are sitting down to eat dinner or watch the local news or whatever it is you do at night.  There is plenty of unfairness in the world.  Is it fair that I have to spend thousands of dollars to become a mother?  I certainly don’t think so.

NIAW - National Infertility Awareness Week

Here is some information from RESOLVE

About National Infertility Awareness Week

What Is Infertilty?

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Another Tuesday

Had a good day today. Went to work. Had lunch with one of my favorite people. Came home and had the living room measured for new laminate floor. It's exciting to have that done to our house. And by making the upgrade we can finally let Jack into the living room! The cats better watch out!!!!!!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Five Months Passed

It has been five months since Tobin and Miles went to heaven to be angels.  I know they are watching over Todd and I and helping us through the days.  It helps to have focus on  the possible as their 40 week due date approaches, though technically this Wednesday marks 38 weeks which is full term for twins.  They never would have lasted that long so at this point they would be here snuggled up with me.

I miss you guys so much.  I wish I would have gotten the chance to get to know you.

On a lighter note, 4dpo (days past ovulation).  Just ticking away the time until I can test to see if this worked.

This week should be amazing.  I am having lunch with my boss tomorrow.  My treat since he has treated the last two.  Then Todd and I have Friday off for...

I have seen the show before but Todd has not.  We had bought tickets so that I could go with him and my mom back in Connecticut but just days before he broke his ankle so he opted out and we asked my BFF to go instead.  It was amazing but he missed out on it.  Now all I have to do is keep him in one piece until Friday!!!

Happy Monday, y'all!!!!  Make it a great one!!!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Entering the dreaded 2WW

Okay so I'm home and relaxing after the IUI.  Everything went swimmingly.  Pun intended.

Todd was a rockstar.  He did so well and we have the possibility for some positive results.  Also pun intended.

Thoughts and prayers welcome for the next couple of weeks until we know the results.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


My body is ready to go finally.  Two on the right 22.5 and 17.5.  Trigger tonight and IUI on Thursday morning. 

Prayers and positive thougths welcome.  :)

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Happy Easter!!!

Hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday.  Our ham is in the oven and it smells awesome!

As for my appointment this morning I did have a little bit of growth but not enough, so more injections and back again on Tuesday morning.  Hopefully I will see better growth then.

Friday, April 6, 2012


I don't have them yet so don't get too excited!! I'm leaving in about an hour to go for my first ultrasound and bloodwork to see how I am responding to the medication this cycle. I have done five days of Clomid 100mg and three days of Follistim 100ius. Hopefully they will be able to see a couple of front runners.


So back from my scan - I have a 14mm on the right and several right around 10, and on the left several around 10.  Lining is 7.8.  He thinks I will continue on the same dose and come back Monday morning to check on that 14 and maybe a couple of others.  More than likely trigger Monday and IUI Tuesday or Wednesday.


Going for another ultrasound on Sunday morning instead to check the follicle growth.  7:15 on Easter morning!  WEEE!!!!

Monday, April 2, 2012

Happy Birthday to me

Well it appears as though I am going to survive my 33rd birthday.  I really thought I was going to spend it snuggling with my twin babies.  Small and soft and smelling just like babies do.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about how I spent it.  Todd was amazing and too generous.  A special meal, some beautiful gifts.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect birthday any other year, but this one is a tad bittersweet because there was something missing.  But I know they were there with me making sure that it was as perfect a birthday as it could be.

Thank you, Todd, for making me feel special every day.  I don't know what I would do without you in my life.  I love you so much.

Tobin and Miles, thank you for making me a mommy.  I never would have had that title if it wasn't for you and even though you aren't here with me, I know you are always with me.

Mom, love you more.  Thank you for being my constant best friend.

Michelle - thank you for being my sister.  The one I can still be goofy with and myself with.  Even if we sit in silence, just knowing you are there brings me happiness.

To my friends, in Connecticut and here in Colorado.  You are blessings in my life and I can't thank you enough for being in it.

Happy birthday to me!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

April Fools Day!

So I start the day by reading all of the "I'm pregnant" jokes on Facebook.  Thankfully it only took me half a second to realize it's April 1st.  While I know they just meant to get a laugh out of people, it still stung a little bit.  It's alright though.  No one was being malicious or anything.

Had a wonderful weekend with my husband.  Had a great dinner last night at The Melting Pot.  Great food and great ambiance.  Today we went shopping for my birthday and I got some really nice things.  I'll try and add some photos of my gifts later on.

Now it's finding the motivation to go grocery shopping.  It's been 80 degrees the last two days and now we could see snow tomorrow.  Yuck...

Day four of my Clomid tonight.  I finish up my pills tomorrow and move on to the injections Tuesday.  Weeee!!!!

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Not a winner...

Looks like I will be going to work on Monday after all. I did not win Mega Millions and neither did any friends or family members. Oh well.

Other than that I'm still fighting my cold and today is day three of my Clomid. Moving right along with this cycle.

Thursday, March 29, 2012


First dose of Clomid starts tonight!  I prefer to take it at night so I can sleep through the worst side effects.  Though I'm still so sick (I actually felt worse today than I have in the last few days) I was up most of the night.  Stayed home from work again today.  I don't want to get people sick at work but I have to go in tomorrow.  I decided not to go to the doctor because I don't even know if they will give me anything.  I'm just going to stick to the OTC stuff and fight this out on my own.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012


Feeling better today.  Period still sucks, but I went for my baseline ultrasound and we are clear for take-off!  I am to start my Clomid tomorrow night and take it for the next 5 days.  Then I move on to the injections.  You will be getting daily updates!!  LOL  Not like anyone really cares but it will be a good way for me to keep track of my cycle in detail.

So if this does work then I can remember everything I went through to get there...again.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012


That's cycle day 1 for all those non-TTC folk.  Basically I got my period today...joy...

The good news is I can start my Clomid on Thursday and see what happens!  I'm hoping for a good response and a successful cycle this time around.  That would be a blessing for sure!

Home again today with my illness.  Throat is wrecked and I'm having some congestion now.  How is it that it's getting worse?!?  I hate being sick.  I haven't been in so long I guess it's overdue.  But being sick and getting my period isn't pleasant at all!!!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Count me out...for now...

So while I am thrilled I ovulated naturally I'm out for this cycle.  Which is fine.  Now I can move back onto to medications and monitoring.  This will give us the best chances moving forward.  On top of that I have been fighting a sore throat the last three days but I think it's getting better.  It never hit me fully as a cold or flu, but it sure sucked the last few days.

And the best part of this week is going to be Friday...
It's the HUNGER GAMES!!!  I cannot wait!

Friday, March 23, 2012

Sadness rears it's ugly head...

So I was spending some time today looking for gifts for my Mom's birthday.  In doing so I realized that my birthday is also coming up and so is Mother's Day.  This birthday was supposed to be so much different this year.  I was supposed to be blessed with twins and celebrating my first Mother's Day shortly after my birthday.  Instead I still feel cheated and empty.  It's an awful feeling...

Thursday, March 22, 2012


This was the level of my progesterone today.  What does this mean you may ask?  It means that I ovulated all by myself!!  And that's all I have to say about that. 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Happy Hump Day!

Exciting day today!  Why?  Because I'm going out to dinner and I don't have to cook.  :)  Ah, the little things in life.  Even though Todd was nice enough to make dinner last night.  Chicken nuggets and tater tots.  We are so ready for children!!!  If we had a toddler they would have ate well last night!! 

Tomorrow is my big bloodwork draw.  Hoping for the best, but not getting my hopes too far up.  When you have been at this as long as I have there is nothing to get excited about anymore.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Completely unrelated stuff...

Todd's car is back in the shop for some adjustments to the trunk lid.  So back in another rental.  This one is peppy though.  It's a Kia Forte. 

I've been really impressed with Kia these days.  Todd and I both drove a Sorento when we were back in Connecticut visitng family and it was really nice.  This car is much peppier than the 2010 Chrysler Sebring sedan we had for two weeks during the original repairs. 

We though about getting rid of the Nissan but we just can't do it.  It's break even right now on what we owe and what it's worth.  It's depreciated quote a bit which is kind of shocking.  So we'll hold on to it and Todd will commute and we'll use my car when we go out.  We know that one is nice and safe.

On another note...Peyton Manning is now a Denver Bronco.  They even un-retired number 18 for him since the original wearer of number 18 is 84 years old and said if he wanted it he could have it.  That was awful nice of him...

This will make for an interesting season.  Forget about getting tickets for a good price now!!!  Not that it matters since I am not a Denver fan, but it's tolerable with Manning in the QB slot, versus Tebow.  Not a fan.  LOL

That's pretty much it.  5DPO and counting.  Thursday morning bloodwork to confirm O. 

Friday, March 16, 2012

Four months since we said goodbye

Today marks four months since we lost our sons.  I didn't realize it until just now when I used today's date.  I would have been 33 weeks pregnant this week.  I would assume I would have been huge and uncomfortable.  Or there is the chance I would have been snuggling with my little guys, staring at them in disbelief that Todd and I actually created these miracles.  Instead I am empty and sad and still wondering why me?  Why them?!?

Mommy and Daddy love you very much, my angels.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

What a strange morning...

So let's go back in time to 2009...before I knew I had serious fertility issues...
I had purchased this product...

It was designed for women to pee on these sticks, then put them in the monitor and it was going to tell them the best days to have sex based on predicting when the woman would ovulate.  Before you ovulate you get what is called an LH surge, a surge of hormones that idicates your body is prepping to release an egg.  It doesn't tell you if you did indeed release and egg but it's a good indicator of how to time intercourse.

I bought this monitor for about $200 and it became the biggest, most expensive paperweight ever...this is what led me to the conclusion that I don't ovulate.  This led me down the path to fertility treatments and medications that cost me an arm and a leg every cycle.

Since Todd has been traveling we postponed out next cycle until April.  That and I got AF on 2/29 on my own, which again doesn't happen often.  So I figured I would dust off the old monitor just to make me feel like I was doing something!!  Well lo' and behold this morning I am greeted with this...

This is what we call a peak.  This means that for the first time in over 3 years my body is trying to ovulate on it's own.

I'm going to go for bloodwork next week to confirm ovulation.  I'm in such shock that my body is doing something, but confused because my body has never shown signs of ovulation before...

This changes everything...