This past Saturday a new online magazine was launched called Still Standing. It is a magazine that focuses on women who have not only struggled with infant loss, but also with infertility.
It's been almost 6 months since I lost Tobin and Miles too soon. Every day that goes by I am surrounded with reminders of their absence in my life. I have my bracelet that I had made in their memory. I have a necklace that a wonderful group of women got for me after our loss. I have the bedroom that should be home to my two little boys. I pass by it every day, several times a day, and I look in and it's filled with boxes. It is nothing but storage when it should be filled with love and cries.
Through all of the grieving and pain, I know that I have to stay positive. I have to push forward. I have to continue to live my life.
Struggling with infertility is one of the hardest things I had ever encountered until I lost my boys. The fact that I lost my children is definitely the worst. But then I have to add infertility on top of my grief, and at times it can be unbearable!
I have recently started up my fertility treatments again and we are hoping to be blessed with another miracle.
We have mostly likely decided that once we are given one child to take home and love, we probably won't pursue fertility treatments to have a second child. It's too much and I know that after everything we have been through that just having one baby to snuggle and raise and watch grow up will be enough to heal our hearts.
So while every day is a challenge, I get up out of bed and get on with my day. I look at every doctor appointment like a warrior. Every needle is a sword. I am fighting this battle of infertility with every fiber of my being! In the end I want to say that I fought until I was victorious!
I know that with the support of family and friends I will get there. And with the watchful eyes of Tobin and Miles from above, they will make sure that Mommy and Daddy have their baby. They know we will make wonderful parents, just as we know they are perfect angels.
Mommy and Daddy love you boys so much!
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