Davy Jones

Died today of a heart attack at the age of 66.  Way to young to go!  This is my favorite song by The Monkees.

Back to me, still cramping...bleh...

Leap Day Blues

Just when you think everything is going to work out...the plan goes to hell!

I was all set to start my Provera this weekend to bring on my period. This would have been great and helped out with the timing. Instead this morning I start to experience cramps and lo' and behold the b*tch shows up.

Now I have to call the RE and have her let me know if we still have a plan or if I have to wait another cycle! If I wait then I'm looking at 2013 baby. Nothing wrong with that, but I was hoping with a small sliver of hope that I might be able to close out the year with a Christmas miracle.

Here's hoping the RE can come up with a plan that might work. Otherwise we are waiting a few more weeks.

Damn Leap Day...figures I would get a horrible period on a day that only exists every four years!!!

UPDATE:


Not doing anything this cycle. My RE would prefer we don't try to finagle anything and we just wait this cycle out and do it right the first time around. So we wait another month. No huge deal, but that takes our Christmas baby right out of the realm of possibility. I guess I was feeling determined to have a 2012 baby to make up for the ones I should have took home with me...

So for now I am going to use my worthless fertility monitor to tell me that I'm not ovulating just so I can feel like I am doing something!!!

I'm frustrated and disappointed and I can't count on my body to do anything right! Wouldn't be so bad if Todd wasn't traveling...then we could proceed!!

Crazy Cat Lady in the making!!

I just wanted to share this.  I am a huge animal lover and since I am an emotional mess, I wanted to share what made me cry today.  If I don't have a child I fear I might turn into a crazy cat lady!  I know I can't save them all, but together maybe we can.

Therapeutic

I have found that blogging, even if it's about nothing at all, has become very therapeutic for me.  I share this blog with everyone I can think of.  It important for me to share my experience so people will know they are not alone.  There are people suffering from infertility and pregnancy loss all over the world.  Some live their lives childless, others will spend every penny they have to make their dream a reality.

There is no right or wrong, there are only the decisions you choose to live with.  Todd and I are going to continue to fight.  We now know we can get pregnant.  We know we can get pregnant with healthy babies.  The trick will be keeping them safe and warm until it's time for them to come out and be part of our family.

For anyone out there reading this that has experienced a loss, or had experienced a struggle to conceive.

You are not alone.  I'm here and I will support you.

An hour from now...

I will be meeting with my RE to talk about what's next for me.  We established that I can get pregnant.  I can get pregnant with healthy babies too.  This is her job is to get me pregnant.

My OB is the one that has to keep them there. 

So I'll update this as soon as I am done at the appointment so I can go over what my protocol will be for my first try after my miscarriage.

Stay tuned for all the exciting details!!  HAHA!!

UPDATE:

So I am to start taking Provera on March 7th when Todd leaves for Connecticut.  By the time he gets back I should be expecting my period.  Then it's Clomid 150mg for 5 days and then Follistim after that.  I'll order my trigger and progesterone in a couple of weeks and get ready.  The RE advised I shouldn't expect to get pregnant on my first cycle like I did the last time.  It could take a few rounds and that is fine.  At least I'm starting the cycles and we can start trying for a miracle.

I have a disease...

So I am relieved that the other insurance company has accepted liability for the damage to Todd's car.  PHEW!!  So it's at the body shop and Todd gets a rental for a while.  He's going back to visit family and friends in a week and a half so I'll be handling most of this here.

I also wanted to share my full story here.  I was lucky enough to find the website for Faces Of Loss, Faces of Hope and it inspired me to write down my story and share it with others.  I am proud of who I am, and I am not ashamed with my infertility or my miscarriage.

There are so many people out there that know someone who has struggled with conceiving or with pregnancy loss, but you don't hear about it until it happens to you.  Then all of a sudden everyone knows someone, or people even admit they suffered a loss themselves.

I wear my struggle on my sleeve, well maybe not my sleeve, but in various ways.  I'm not ashamed to admit that I lost my sons and that I struggle with infertility.  The more people are aware of the problem, hopefully the more "the man" will help us with it.

I pay out of pocket for all of my infertility treatments.  We have spent thousands on the dream of a family.  We thought we had success but it didn't work out.  Health insurance usually doesn't cover this type of coverage, as insurance companies don't see infertility as a disease.  Well it is.

I have a disease.  I suffer from infertility.

Insurance companies will help a guy get an erection, but won't help a woman start a family.  Does that sound fair to you?

Irritated...

So last night Todd and I decide to go to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner.  I had a hankering for wings.  So we left the house and headed out.  Not far from the house we were waiting at a light to take a left.  The green arrow came and the line of cars started moving.  The green arrow went away in front of us so we stopped to let another car come through the intersection.  And...

BAM!!!

The guy behind us PLOWED right into the back of Todd's car.  I felt a jolt in my back and immeidately grabbed a pen and a piece of paper (happened to be my grocery list).  The guy got out and was apologetic.  Not much damage to the front of his car, but ours was pretty smashed.  We moved the cars and started to exchange information.  No big deal, I'm in insurance, I knew what I needed.  We drove away and the minute we left I called his insurance company to report the claim.

I brought the car down today for an estimate and the body shop deemed it unsafe to drive, so I had to get a rental car.  The thing that pisses me off is that this guy who swore he was going to call in the claim as soon as he got home STILL has not called his carrier so they can accept liability!!!  So I had to call my insurance carrier and open a claim so I could get a rental car!  What an asshole!!

And my back is sore...jerk...

Just kind of eh...

Not having a bad day today, but I'm not as happy as I could be.  I go through these phases whee I just lose all motivation to do anything productive.

It was snowy here today and here I am, it's 11:35 in the morning and I am still at home.  I plan on leaving shortly but I have been meaning to leave for a while and just can't seem to get off the couch.  I just had lunch so I'm going to pack a few snack and head out to the office.

I hope...

Sunday Sunday Sunday! (Like a Monster Truck Announcer)

Oh my poor husband has a cold.  Of course, like any man, he is a baby but I can handle it.  He tried hard not to be.

The fertility monitor showed me nothing so now I am just waiting for the 27th to come so I can meet with the RE.  I checked the medication I have in the fridge and it's good until January 2014!  So I'm good with the expensive stuff for right now!  I might need to order a few things like the trigger and the progesterone (I have to find out how much progesterone I have left too).

Made some decisions on my career.  I decided the path I was on was not the one for me.  I am pursuing other options and I hope the decision I have made will be the right one.  Knowing who I will be working for will make all the difference!

Otherwise it should be a fun week.  New job brings new people and opportunity.  Tomorrow we game plan and then we put it into action.

Moving along...

So the fertility monitor isn't telling me anything, so I think I will call my RE today.  Now actually...LOL

So appointment is set up for Monday the 27th at 2pm.  Then we can see what our steps are.  I'm thinking AF won't dare show up on her own but I could be wrong.  I'm thinking Todd can take a late lunch and come with me.  The downfall is that Todd is going back to Connecticut from the 7th to the 14th, so we can't really do anything until he gets back.  So we will have to see what happens.

On a personal note I am contemplating my career path.  I'll update on that once I find the right answers.

Le sigh...

So we had a nice Valentine's day yesterday - went to Taco Bell.  HAHAHA


We had a gourmet meal at home over the weekend so we didn't go crazy yesterday.  Surprisingly there were more people at Taco Bell than I expected.


So today on the monitor it was CD16.  (cycle day for those not down with the lingo)
Still came up with a high...also did an OPK and a definite negative...
I started to get all excited because a second line was showing up.  But it's not telling me anything yet...
So if no peak or ovulation "O" by Friday morning, I'm calling Dr. Murray, my RE, and making an appointment.


Todd and I are ready to step it up now.  We were talking baby names again last night and I got sad.  I get sad a lot.  It is so hard dealing with the depression of a pregnancy loss.  I just want to scream most of the time that it's just not fair!


But we have to move on and try again, or it will never happen.  Right now it doesn't seem that the weight loss and the pregnancy reset my body at all causing me to O, but I'm still healthier than I was.  So this is going to turn into a weight loss and infertility blog from here on out.  I will be held accountable for my actions by reporting here.


Today is out though because I only made the decision today!  (I always have an excuse!!)

What, huh?

Okay so to start posting daily (or as close as I can) here is my day so far.

Forgot to set the alarm so Todd woke me up when he was getting ready to leave.  We installed these fantastic room darkening shades in the bedroom and it's awesome!  So dark and peaceful in there!

So I turned on the TV and watched the Today Show for a while.  A lot of stuff about Whitney Houston which is fine, but I know it will go on way to long.

Got up, got in the shower.  (I don't need to get into details on this)

Off to see a hearing specialist.  I was diagnosed years ago with otosclerosis.  It's the hardening of the bones in the middle ear which causes hearing loss.  According to my doctor, I have only 20% hearing left in my right ear and I am an excellent candidate for surgery to have an implant put it.  It's not something I am looking forward to but it needs to be done.

So I have to decide what is more important...my hearing or having a baby...I want to start TTC again as soon as possible, but not sure if I should take care of my hearing first.  I have come accustomed to not having the best hearing in the world, so it's not a rush for me to have it fixed.  And with my new job and the downtime after the surgery, it's not something I want to do or I would have done it like 7 years ago!

Decisions, decisions...

Right now I am leaning towards TTC and deal with the hearing issue later.

Wow...I haven't updated this in forever...

So just an update and where I am with our TTC journey.  I am going to try and be better with updating this blog because I think I need to for me.

I had my surgery in June 2011 to correct the uterine septum again.  Everything was looking great and we were able to start a medicated cycle in July.  We found out on August 22nd that our IUI had worked and we were pregnant.

We had our first ultrasound on our 4th anniversary and found out we were expecting identical twins!  we were over the moon.  Shortly after that I started to have some spotting and bleeding and was diagnosed with a subchorionic hemorrhage.  I ended up on bedrest for two weeks but the babies were doing great.  Everytime we saw them they had fantastic heart beats and were wiggling around.

On November 15, 2011 we had a routine ultrasound and again perfection.  At 5:45 that evening my water broke.  We went to the ER and we were told that there was virtually no fluid around the babies and we were going to lose them.

We went to my OB the next day and he confirmed that I was going to miscarry and suggested the best thing to do would be to go to L&D and be induced since Baby A was already in the birth canal.  We went in and that evening I gave birth to two precious little boys.  We named them Tobin and Miles.

Our hearts were broken but we are moving on.

It's been almost three months since we lost the boys, and this month marks 3 whole years TTC.

I have lost weight, mostly from the pregnancy.  I gained a bit back because I have been slacking, but I'm still down over 40 pounds from a year ago.  Hoping this will help with some of my fertility issues.  Also hoping that 2012 will bring Todd and I a miracle baby.