Memorial Day!

So it appears as though today I will be partaking in a lovely alcoholic beverage in honor of our military.

Looks like we are moving on to yet another cycle

We are staying positive as always and we know our time will come. In the mean time I'll drink rum.

The waiting game...

So I usually am a pretty patient person, but today I am 8DPO and it's killing me not knowing.  My progesterone is giving me a ton of symptoms (I think) but I can't take any of them as real.  It's kind of cruel really to be taking these progesterone supplements that have side effects that are JUST like pregnancy symptoms...completely unfair!

Still working on that large account.  Getting closer to making the sale, just need to get there!

It's going to be 90 degrees here in Colorado Springs today.  Insanely hot!!!

Back to my air conditioned office to keep cool.  Have a lovely day!



Busy Week!

Working on an enormous account at work.  Like monumental.  I can only hope that I get it.  I am about 95% sure that I will at this point and it would be amazing if I did.

That has been helping me keep busy and preoccupied.  That and talking with my Mom about her upcoming retirement and her plans to sell her house and move out to Colorado with us.  Todd and I are so excited to have her out here with us.  We hope her house sells fast and she is out here before the holidays!

On the TTC part - 4DPO (days past ovulation).  Taking the wait one day at a time.  Not feeling anything yet since it's early and trying not to feel anything one way or the other.  I don't want to sit here and think I'm pregnant but I don't want to sit here and think I'm not.  So I try to think about other things instead.  :)

Have a lovely weekend all!

The Big Day...Again...

Well today is our IUI.  I have anywhere from 2-5 eggs being released.  As of right now I have not ovulated so I think our timing is going to be stellar.  I will update after the procedure which isn't for several more hours.

UPDATE:

We figure about 127 million swimmers went back today.  I have been having a lot of cramping so I believe I am ovulating now so I am hoping that the troops were ready for battle!!

And now...

...we wait...

Happy Mother's Day!

To my mother, I love you more.  Thank you for being there for me even when you are far away.  Thankfully the gap between us will be shrinking significantly in the coming months.

Today was not meant to be an easy day.  It has been hard to go through several Mother's Days without having a child.  This Mother's Day was so different.  In the last year I acheived pregnancy and experienced loss.  I became a mother on November 16, 2011 when I gave birth to my precious angels, Tobin Robert and Miles Edward.  My life changed drastically and my voice became louder.

I am a mother.  Though I walk down the street empty handed and with tears staining my cheeks, my heart holds so much love for my two sons.  And that love shows without a doubt that I am a mother.

So thank you to all of you who have recognized the fact that while I have no living children, I am a mother all the same.



Happy Mother's Day to all of my friends, and all of those mommies that are still waiting for their rainbows.  May 2012 bring us everything we have ever dreamed of.

Almost there!

So today's appointment went really well.  Looks like our IUI will be scheduled for Monday afternoon.  then it's just killing time for a couple weeks to see if it worked or not.

I got a message from a friend I have on BabyCenter.  If you don't know what BabyCenter is - it is a website for people in all stages of the parenthood journey.  From trying to conceive, to struggling with infertility, to pregnant, to motherhood.  Here is what she wrote...

On behalf of Miles and Tobin... Happy Mother's Day! You are one of the strongest women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing (even if only through BBC). You are an inspiration to many and you are a wonderful Mommy. Your love for your boys is easily seen. You and Todd are wonderful parents and some lucky little baby is going to hit the jackpot when he/she takes up residence in that gorgeous uterus of yours! Best of luck to you both! XOXO

Thanks Mandy.  :)

The Journey - I'm Still Standing

This past Saturday a new online magazine was launched called Still Standing.  It is a magazine that focuses on women who have not only struggled with infant loss, but also with infertility.

It's been almost 6 months since I lost Tobin and Miles too soon.  Every day that goes by I am surrounded with reminders of their absence in my life.  I have my bracelet that I had made in their memory.  I have a necklace that a wonderful group of women got for me after our loss.  I have the bedroom that should be home to my two little boys.  I pass by it every day, several times a day, and I look in and it's filled with boxes.  It is nothing but storage when it should be filled with love and cries.

Through all of the grieving and pain, I know that I have to stay positive.  I have to push forward.  I have to continue to live my life.

Struggling with infertility is one of the hardest things I had ever encountered until I lost my boys.  The fact that I lost my children is definitely the worst.  But then I have to add infertility on top of my grief, and at times it can be unbearable!

I have recently started up my fertility treatments again and we are hoping to be blessed with another miracle.

We have mostly likely decided that once we are given one child to take home and love, we probably won't pursue fertility treatments to have a second child.  It's too much and I know that after everything we have been through that just having one baby to snuggle and raise and watch grow up will be enough to heal our hearts.

So while every day is a challenge, I get up out of bed and get on with my day.  I look at every doctor appointment like a warrior.  Every needle is a sword.  I am fighting this battle of infertility with every fiber of my being!  In the end I want to say that I fought until I was victorious!

I know that with the support of family and friends I will get there.  And with the watchful eyes of Tobin and Miles from above, they will make sure that Mommy and Daddy have their baby.  They know we will make wonderful parents, just as we know they are perfect angels.

Mommy and Daddy love you boys so much!

Working through everything

Another appointment today and everything is progressing as it should.  Looks like I might have 3 possible eggs this cycle but they need to grow a tad more.

Trying to prepare myself for the mental strength I will need this coming Sunday.  I have a feeling I will be staying away from email and social media.  No need to be reminded that it's Mother's Day.

Though I am grateful I can say that this is the first time I can call myself a mother, unfortunately I have no living children to show for it.  I can't walk down the street with my boys on Sunday and have everyone know I'm a Mommy.  I just know it in my heart and that will have to be enough.

Plugging along!

Went this morning for bloodwork and ultrasound.  I have 3-4 on the right that are around 10mm and one on the left that looks to be around 9mm.  I keep on my medication and go back on Wednesday for another look.

Hoping for success this time around, but I know the reality is it will happen when it will happen.  The downfall is we have about one more cycle in us and then we have to take a break and pay off some of this infertility debt.  It costs somewhere around $1,500 a cycle for us and $1,100-1,200 is in medication alone.  So it puts a strain on us.  But it is reality of what a lot of women face who have no insurance coverage for any of this.

Other than that it's rainy here in Colorado.  Hoping to have our grass start to come back and get greener.

Happy Monday everyone!

TGIF

What a week!

Yesterday especially.  We finally got our sprinkler system fixed at the house.  There was a leak on the outside so we haven't been able to run our sprinklers to water the lawn.  Well we finally got it fixed so now we can hopefully get our green lawn back.

Then we had new floors installed in our living room.  We removed the carpet and put down a beautiful laminate floor.  It looks amazing!  Now Jack is the happiest puppy ever!  As you can see from the video above.

I'm just finishing up my Clomid which is a pill, and then on to my Follistim which is an injection.  I go back on Monday morning to see what everything looks like though I don't expect to see much of anything.

This weekend is Cinco de Mayo.  We are going to a Colorado Springs Sky Sox game.  I got tickets for $5 a piece so it should be fun.  Then instead of trying to get Mexican food out we are doing nachos and quesadillas at home.  Much better than fighting the crowds and trying to get in a restaurant.

Hope you all have a nice weekend.

May 2, 2012

Well I made it.

I made it to my 40 week due date and lived to tell the tale.  My heart is twisted in knots.  Though I don't cry.  There is nothing I can do to change what happened.  No way to go back and do things differently.

All I can do is look to the future.  Try, try again and fight for what I want the most in the world.  A child that I can love and nurture and watch grow into an amazing man or woman.

Of course I will never forget Tobin Robert and Miles Edward.  They will always be my angels and the guardians of our family.  They will always be perfect and they will always be in our hearts and the hearts of those who loved them.

I am proud of the fact that I had them.  Not everyone gets to say they are the mother of angels.  I get to say my identical twin boys were born to be angels.  For that I am proud of what they can do and who they have become.

Mommy loves you, Tobin and Miles.  Daddy does too.  So does Aunt Sissy, Uncle TK, Uncle Scott and Uncle Scotty.  Grandma P & S. Grandpa B & D. And Grandma C.  So does Aunt Em and Uncle Wayne.

Thank you all of your support during all of our struggles.  We could not have gotten to this point without you.  We love you all.