Monday, March 5, 2012

There Is No Shame In Grieving The Loss Of A Child

I wanted to share this post from BabyCenter and a group that I recently joined.  We are a group of women that have lost a baby or babies and use advanced reproductive therapy or in vitro fertilization to conceive.  This was beautifully written by a girl named Shell and it really struck a cord and I wanted to share it with others who are dealing with grief or maybe know someone who has lost a baby and you just don't know what to say or do.

Thank you, Shell, for letting me post this.

I think most of you know by now that I lost my b/g twins at 22w due to IC, and that I live in the Arctic with the Inuit (Eskimo) people. I have learned SO much about grieving after my experience, and I think that the way this culture deals with loss is amazing, and I wanted to share some of it with you.

Here, Inuit are taught from a very young age that death is OK and normal, and that one should be very open about grieving. People sob and collapse and really let the pain out. At funerals, the coffins are placed on the floor so that everyone can cluster around and rest their head on it, or at least touch it while they cry. You can stay on the coffin as long as you feel you need to get your pain out. Everyone in the community will cry with you, and everyone shares the details of loss. Everyone woman who lost a baby came to my house and shared her story, and encourage me to talk about every detail of losing the twins.

It really is humbling to see how other cultures deal with grief - you realize how many of us in the rest of the "Western" world have come to expect that life should be a bed of roses, and that we all have the right to health, happiness, etc. Then, when something goes wrong, we are all stranded because we've lost the ability to function as a community, and bottle everything up or only deal with it superficially. Up in the Arctic, on the other hand, everyone understands that life can be short and brutal, and that sometimes babies die.... and that its best not to blame or hate yourself, but to turn to each other for support. And.... one of the best lessons - don't fault your body or turn your anger towards yourself.

Compassion and understanding, and real openness are what we all need to get through this. I LOVE that I live in a place where people are not only open about death and grieving, but WANT to hear me speak about the babies and my feeling of loss. It is seen as being a necessary part of grieving, and being a part of the community. I can't imagine I would have this if I lived anywhere else in North America- there, it seemed like people would express condolences (very formally), but got uncomfortable if you get into too much detail. Well, I think we NEED to get into the details - its our experiences and our story, and proves that our babies really did exist.

Along those lines, there is also an Inuit belief that naming a new child will link that child to the spirit of a departed person, and I just had a dear friend call me yesterday to tell me that she found out she will be having a boy, and wants to name him Cash so that I can spiritually have him back in my life. I will be expected here to call this new boy "son" and he will treat me as his mother along with his biological mom. LOVELY!!!!

Anyway, I think it speaks volumes that we're all on these boards - we are all, in effect, creating a "community" of other women who know what we've been through. The fact that we all share the most intimate details of our losses and of TTC proves my point above - in order to process what has happened, and in order to move forward, we all need to dig deep and talk about it. It makes me sad that I haven't see any guys on here - they could use the sense of community and support that we are lucky to have found here.
My point to all of this? I think I am seeing way too many women who are struggling, and trying to "keep it together". Well, don't!!! Feel the pain, share the pain, talk about the pain, embrace the pain! Find the people who will encourage you to let it all out, and you will get through this.

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