Not a winner...

Looks like I will be going to work on Monday after all. I did not win Mega Millions and neither did any friends or family members. Oh well.

Other than that I'm still fighting my cold and today is day three of my Clomid. Moving right along with this cycle.

CD3

First dose of Clomid starts tonight!  I prefer to take it at night so I can sleep through the worst side effects.  Though I'm still so sick (I actually felt worse today than I have in the last few days) I was up most of the night.  Stayed home from work again today.  I don't want to get people sick at work but I have to go in tomorrow.  I decided not to go to the doctor because I don't even know if they will give me anything.  I'm just going to stick to the OTC stuff and fight this out on my own.

CD2

Feeling better today.  Period still sucks, but I went for my baseline ultrasound and we are clear for take-off!  I am to start my Clomid tomorrow night and take it for the next 5 days.  Then I move on to the injections.  You will be getting daily updates!!  LOL  Not like anyone really cares but it will be a good way for me to keep track of my cycle in detail.

So if this does work then I can remember everything I went through to get there...again.

CD1

That's cycle day 1 for all those non-TTC folk.  Basically I got my period today...joy...

The good news is I can start my Clomid on Thursday and see what happens!  I'm hoping for a good response and a successful cycle this time around.  That would be a blessing for sure!

Home again today with my illness.  Throat is wrecked and I'm having some congestion now.  How is it that it's getting worse?!?  I hate being sick.  I haven't been in so long I guess it's overdue.  But being sick and getting my period isn't pleasant at all!!!

Count me out...for now...

So while I am thrilled I ovulated naturally I'm out for this cycle.  Which is fine.  Now I can move back onto to medications and monitoring.  This will give us the best chances moving forward.  On top of that I have been fighting a sore throat the last three days but I think it's getting better.  It never hit me fully as a cold or flu, but it sure sucked the last few days.

And the best part of this week is going to be Friday...

 

It's the HUNGER GAMES!!!  I cannot wait!

Sadness rears it's ugly head...

So I was spending some time today looking for gifts for my Mom's birthday.  In doing so I realized that my birthday is also coming up and so is Mother's Day.  This birthday was supposed to be so much different this year.  I was supposed to be blessed with twins and celebrating my first Mother's Day shortly after my birthday.  Instead I still feel cheated and empty.  It's an awful feeling...

10.5

This was the level of my progesterone today.  What does this mean you may ask?  It means that I ovulated all by myself!!  And that's all I have to say about that. 

Happy Hump Day!

Exciting day today!  Why?  Because I'm going out to dinner and I don't have to cook.  :)  Ah, the little things in life.  Even though Todd was nice enough to make dinner last night.  Chicken nuggets and tater tots.  We are so ready for children!!!  If we had a toddler they would have ate well last night!! 

Tomorrow is my big bloodwork draw.  Hoping for the best, but not getting my hopes too far up.  When you have been at this as long as I have there is nothing to get excited about anymore.

Completely unrelated stuff...

Todd's car is back in the shop for some adjustments to the trunk lid.  So back in another rental.  This one is peppy though.  It's a Kia Forte. 

I've been really impressed with Kia these days.  Todd and I both drove a Sorento when we were back in Connecticut visitng family and it was really nice.  This car is much peppier than the 2010 Chrysler Sebring sedan we had for two weeks during the original repairs. 

We though about getting rid of the Nissan but we just can't do it.  It's break even right now on what we owe and what it's worth.  It's depreciated quote a bit which is kind of shocking.  So we'll hold on to it and Todd will commute and we'll use my car when we go out.  We know that one is nice and safe.

On another note...Peyton Manning is now a Denver Bronco.  They even un-retired number 18 for him since the original wearer of number 18 is 84 years old and said if he wanted it he could have it.  That was awful nice of him...

This will make for an interesting season.  Forget about getting tickets for a good price now!!!  Not that it matters since I am not a Denver fan, but it's tolerable with Manning in the QB slot, versus Tebow.  Not a fan.  LOL

That's pretty much it.  5DPO and counting.  Thursday morning bloodwork to confirm O. 

Four months since we said goodbye

Today marks four months since we lost our sons.  I didn't realize it until just now when I used today's date.  I would have been 33 weeks pregnant this week.  I would assume I would have been huge and uncomfortable.  Or there is the chance I would have been snuggling with my little guys, staring at them in disbelief that Todd and I actually created these miracles.  Instead I am empty and sad and still wondering why me?  Why them?!?

Mommy and Daddy love you very much, my angels.

What a strange morning...

So let's go back in time to 2009...before I knew I had serious fertility issues...
I had purchased this product...

It was designed for women to pee on these sticks, then put them in the monitor and it was going to tell them the best days to have sex based on predicting when the woman would ovulate.  Before you ovulate you get what is called an LH surge, a surge of hormones that idicates your body is prepping to release an egg.  It doesn't tell you if you did indeed release and egg but it's a good indicator of how to time intercourse.

I bought this monitor for about $200 and it became the biggest, most expensive paperweight ever...this is what led me to the conclusion that I don't ovulate.  This led me down the path to fertility treatments and medications that cost me an arm and a leg every cycle.

Since Todd has been traveling we postponed out next cycle until April.  That and I got AF on 2/29 on my own, which again doesn't happen often.  So I figured I would dust off the old monitor just to make me feel like I was doing something!!  Well lo' and behold this morning I am greeted with this...

This is what we call a peak.  This means that for the first time in over 3 years my body is trying to ovulate on it's own.

I'm going to go for bloodwork next week to confirm ovulation.  I'm in such shock that my body is doing something, but confused because my body has never shown signs of ovulation before...

This changes everything...

Le Sigh...

I have no motivation.  I miss Todd like crazy.  I can't wait to see him Wednesday night.  I'm looking forward to going back to work tomorrow because that will take care of most of my day and will speed up the time until he comes home.

Not much going on otherwise.  Using my fertility monitor.  It's not tell me anything yet, and I don't expect it to.

<sigh>

Support Group Last Night

Went to my monthly RESOLVE meeting last night.  Saw some new faces.  There were six of us total and it nice to hear some stories.  I was the only one that was really emotional because I was the only one that had experienced a loss.  So the box of tissues stayed close by.

I sometimes feel like I talk about my struggles too much, and one woman said she doesn't talk about it much because she doesn't want people to pity her.

I never actually thought about that.  I tell people because I want people to know that's it a real thing that real people struggle with.  I don't tell people because I want them to feel bad for me.  I am a strong person and a fighter and I don't need people to feel bad for me.  I just want people to know what I am going through.  Just in case they come face to face with a similar struggle or know someone who is. 

So please don't feel bad for me.  I feel bad enough for myself.  I want you to find strength in my struggle and know that it's okay to talk about it and it's okay to not talk about it too.

Happy International Women's Day!!

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. LIFE is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next." -Gilda Radner

To all of my strong women out there who read this, do something spectacular for yourself today!  Even if it's just taking an extra minute or two to enjoy a cup of coffee, or spending an extra 5 minutes in the shower.

A moving post from a fellow blogger

Be Gentle - Coming out about infertility

I found this post to be very moving and very true.  If you have never struggled with getting pregnant this is what it feels like to those of us who fight every day for a family.

My only change is putting faith in God's plan.  I still can't seem to wrap my head around why God thought it was necessary to take my sons away from Todd and I.  There is no reason for that...and for that I cannot forgive Him or have faith in Him.

Instead I turn back to medical science.  That is all I have to put my faith in.

On a lighter note, Todd is on a plane bound for Connecticut.  I'm going to miss him while he is gone. 

Happy Birthday!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OREO COOKIES!!!!

Now that I have that out of my system!

Not too much going on.  Just trying to get through the day and then Todd leaves tomorrow morning.  Heading to Buffalo Wild Wings tonight with some friends and then back home to get Todd packed up and in bed early.  Todd's flight leaves around 6am so we have to get up early.  I'm thinking of just bringing him to the airport and then going home and getting ready for work and going in really early, that way I can leave really early.  It's not like I am going to go back to sleep or anything!!!

Other than that I think I might just have to pick me up some Oreo cookies and have a mini party.

There Is No Shame In Grieving The Loss Of A Child

I wanted to share this post from BabyCenter and a group that I recently joined.  We are a group of women that have lost a baby or babies and use advanced reproductive therapy or in vitro fertilization to conceive.  This was beautifully written by a girl named Shell and it really struck a cord and I wanted to share it with others who are dealing with grief or maybe know someone who has lost a baby and you just don't know what to say or do.

Thank you, Shell, for letting me post this.

I think most of you know by now that I lost my b/g twins at 22w due to IC, and that I live in the Arctic with the Inuit (Eskimo) people. I have learned SO much about grieving after my experience, and I think that the way this culture deals with loss is amazing, and I wanted to share some of it with you.

Here, Inuit are taught from a very young age that death is OK and normal, and that one should be very open about grieving. People sob and collapse and really let the pain out. At funerals, the coffins are placed on the floor so that everyone can cluster around and rest their head on it, or at least touch it while they cry. You can stay on the coffin as long as you feel you need to get your pain out. Everyone in the community will cry with you, and everyone shares the details of loss. Everyone woman who lost a baby came to my house and shared her story, and encourage me to talk about every detail of losing the twins.

It really is humbling to see how other cultures deal with grief - you realize how many of us in the rest of the "Western" world have come to expect that life should be a bed of roses, and that we all have the right to health, happiness, etc. Then, when something goes wrong, we are all stranded because we've lost the ability to function as a community, and bottle everything up or only deal with it superficially. Up in the Arctic, on the other hand, everyone understands that life can be short and brutal, and that sometimes babies die.... and that its best not to blame or hate yourself, but to turn to each other for support. And.... one of the best lessons - don't fault your body or turn your anger towards yourself.

Compassion and understanding, and real openness are what we all need to get through this. I LOVE that I live in a place where people are not only open about death and grieving, but WANT to hear me speak about the babies and my feeling of loss. It is seen as being a necessary part of grieving, and being a part of the community. I can't imagine I would have this if I lived anywhere else in North America- there, it seemed like people would express condolences (very formally), but got uncomfortable if you get into too much detail. Well, I think we NEED to get into the details - its our experiences and our story, and proves that our babies really did exist.

Along those lines, there is also an Inuit belief that naming a new child will link that child to the spirit of a departed person, and I just had a dear friend call me yesterday to tell me that she found out she will be having a boy, and wants to name him Cash so that I can spiritually have him back in my life. I will be expected here to call this new boy "son" and he will treat me as his mother along with his biological mom. LOVELY!!!!

Anyway, I think it speaks volumes that we're all on these boards - we are all, in effect, creating a "community" of other women who know what we've been through. The fact that we all share the most intimate details of our losses and of TTC proves my point above - in order to process what has happened, and in order to move forward, we all need to dig deep and talk about it. It makes me sad that I haven't see any guys on here - they could use the sense of community and support that we are lucky to have found here.
My point to all of this? I think I am seeing way too many women who are struggling, and trying to "keep it together". Well, don't!!! Feel the pain, share the pain, talk about the pain, embrace the pain! Find the people who will encourage you to let it all out, and you will get through this.

Moving along

So I am thankful that my period stopped on Saturday.  What a relief!  Now it's just monitoring.  I have been getting up to pee in the middle of the night and that's pretty annoying too.

Todd is leaving me in a couple of days to go back to Connecticut to visit family and friends.  I'm going to miss him a lot, but I am trying my best to figure out some fun things to do. 

During the work days I'm not too worried about keeping myself occupied.  I have to take care of the animals and make myself dinner and go to bed.  But Friday night, Saturday and Sunday are mine!  :)

All I know is I have to avoid our favorite show, Ghost Adventures.  I don't want to be scared in my own home all alone!  So it's going to be watching movies I want to watch.

I'm going to be lame and watch all my Twilights on Saturday while doing a facial and probably mani/pedi too.  Sunday I might leave the house for a while and do something, maybe even go to the movies if I feel like it.  Why not??  :)

New IVF study

Producing more babies via automation

This is an interesting story for those out there that are doing In Vitro. It's nice to hear that they are still trying to come up with ways to get us women pregnant and increase the success rates.

Now if only they would make the medication cheaper for those that pay out of pocket, and hell, why not make the procedure cheaper too! It seems like only the rich can afford to get pregnant these days!